11th May 2020, Monday
Up at 7.45am. Set out to go on a walk but only got 100 yards before I had to return. I’ll try again later. I’m not going to let this stupid ulcerative colitis beat me. Thank goodness i’m not still drinking alcohol as that would do my insides no good at all. It is stressing me out though and I felt on the verge of a panic attack when I got back to the apartment. I won’t drink though. I might have a cigarette, I feel like I need a cigarette though i’ve been given up 82 days. Actually I don’t know if I can face a disgusting cigarette anymore, I think I would throw up. 🤮
After lunch more stress, OH had a text and two missed calls from his bank. The text said that they had declined a payment of £720 from his credit card. He hadn’t made any payments so he spent almost an hour on the phone to the bank, most of that time on hold. Eventually he was put through to the banks fraud team and they said that earlier today another payment, this one for £299 had been authorised. He hadn’t made that payment either – he hasn’t used that card since arriving here in Cyprus 10 weeks ago. Anyway the card is now blocked and OH will assist the police in the investigation any way that he can. We have no idea when, how long ago or from where his card details were stolen.
While all that was going on my anxiety level was sky high and I could hear the voice of my addict inside my head, hammering on the window of the room I’ve locked her in, and she was shouting “wine, wine, wine, wine” and showing me a glass of chilled white wine filling up. I sat and took deep breaths, read some of my current quit lit, and eventually calmed down. The crisis passed without me falling into a bottle but I realise I need to be very aware that the addict, although locked away is still there and able to be suddenly awakened and become rowdy and obnoxious.
“Beer” o’clock today and an alcohol free Warsteiner, a German brew and probably the nicest AF beer that i’ve tried so far. I even said to OH “ooh, I think they put the wrong beer in this bottle” if I didn’t know it was AF I would swear it was a regular beer. This one is definitely on my shopping list.
Meaningful May: What are your most important values? Use them today. I think my most important values at the moment are gratitude and courage. I think I used courage to get over the stresses of today. I also plucked up courage and told one of my very close friends that i’ve given up drinking alcohol, I had a positive response from her. Gratitude: For a couple of years now I’ve kept a gratitude journal, I try to write three things down every morning and evening that i’m grateful for. Sometimes it’s difficult to think what to write, if I’ve had a bad day but there is always something that I can be grateful for.